Monday 10th July 2017

Rainy today. I’m a fan of rain, can’t stand it too hot. Must be my Scottish blood. I am anticipating my first ever trip to a gym tomorrow, as someone who is anxious about my body and exercising around people, it should be an experience. Whether it will be a good one is yet to be seen but I look forward to it.

X

Friday 7th July 2017

Ever had one of those long days.
The ones that drag on…and on


and on.
They are neverending but somehow they will, you just have to find the will to see it through.
Till the bitter end, my friend.
Sleep is your reward, use it wisely.

X

Wednesday 5th July 2017

A friend recently asked me if I maybe was on the spectrum. I had been talking to said friend about my recent trip to Glastonbury and my inability to deal with large crowds and the need to stay out of the way of the bigger things there, my need to be in more quieter places and breathe. This topped with my anxiety, my inability to function normally in social situations, form friendships and relationships and other stuff that has happened recently and yes, I guess this is a valid question to ask and to be honest, I have been thinking about it myself for a long time.

It’s in the family, my brother has autism. The way he carries himself is a delight to see, it’s just wonderful. A real credit to me and our family. I love him and don’t know what I would do without him.

The thing is…what the hell would I do if I go down this road, find out if there is something actually wrong and I find out that there is? It terrifies me, you find these tests online and you do them and it tells you stuff and the thing, the thing you didn’t want to think about, the thing you had in the back of your mind grows and grows and grows and you start to question who the hell you actually are? Who am I? What is wrong with me? I panic and start to think that maybe there is an actual reason for all this, it’s not just me. Or maybe there isn’t?

So what do I do? Do I begin this journey or do I just try and carry on? Is knowing for sure better than the prospect of finding out your whole life has been pretty much one big lie? I guess the only person who can answer this question is me? And I’ve never been good with the big decisions.

I’ll let you know.

x

Tuesday 4th July 2017

Bored. Really, really bored. I await a tumble drier so am having to wait around home, alone. No bad thing, I prefer solitude but it’s finding stuff to do that’s the tricky part. More often than not in these situations, I just sit and think. Think about things that have happened, yet to happen, may not happen or could. I think about my life. How good it is, how bad it is, how distinctly mediocre it is. I think about my mum. How I miss her. How I need her. How I am only now just starting to grieve for her loss. I think about food. I’m hungry. Poached eggs? Yes, please. Boredom occupied for a while. Go back to thinking. I think of stuff I want to do, people I want to meet, so so many things I want to say to people but can’t because I’m scared and talking scares me. I think I think too much. I sit and wait. This bloody tumble drier better come soon.

X

Monday 3rd July 2017

Hello and welcome to the first day of the rest of my blog. I’ve been pondering, for quite a while you may have noticed, what to do with it. In the off time I dabbled in writing daily haikus on Instagram which, while fun, the ideas sort of ran out and another one of my pet projects crashed and burned.

But ever feeling the need to keep busy and take my mind off of other things, I realised I needed to do something with this and so it’s becoming my journal, available online for all to see. Not scary at all.

Reasons for this:

A) It keeps me writing which keeps me busy.
B) It gives me a chance to vent, take stock and understand things I have done or said.
C) It gives me some sort of connection to people, something I find hard to make these days.

What’s new with me? Nothing really, still ploughing on…crashing maybe…through life. Still trying to get that dream job, still trying to find romance, still as puzzled and confused about stuff as ever. But hopefully, through writing all this stuff down, it might become clearer…

X